I'm a self declared extreme shopaholic!
That day at the FJ Benjamin sale, I spent like $700++ dollars.. better not know the exact value man.. i reli dun dare to count.. bought like so many watches and bags and clutches.. i dun even know whether i will use all of them.. haha.. and even after all the Guess bags i bought, I just splurged and pampered myself with a Kate Spade bag! It is jus a reward for myself for finding a job! haha.. not like i reli deserved it.. but still.... i did promise myself tt i would get one once i've found a job!
i guess retail therapy does work.. at least for me. i feel happier.. satisfied, and happy. yes, happy is the word. so am i happier these days because i have the spending power to buy more stuff? the fact that this shopping addiction of mine will only get worse when i start working. bleah.. but who can resist pretty shoes and nice bags? i wouldn't want to know how. haha. i just love to indulge myself in these little pleasures in life =)
well anyway, things are going on fine for me. I guess i am really happier lately. dunno if is it because of beloved, of is it new found direction in my life, or is it jus me feeding to my shopping craves.. but who cares, as long as i am happy rite? hee.
hugs.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
still lost....
jus when i thought that i've gotten things sorted out, i realised again that i am actaully again still quite lost.. i dun reli know wad i really wan, dun reali know what are my priorities in life now, dun realli know what realli matters in my life. i dunno... i jus dunno... dunno what i should do, or how i should feel.. dun reli know wad i should do wif my life!!!
give me some directions man.. lead my heart the way it should be heading. don't jus tell me what i should do, tell me how i should do it... and convince me why i should do it. make me wan to do it.
give me some directions man.. lead my heart the way it should be heading. don't jus tell me what i should do, tell me how i should do it... and convince me why i should do it. make me wan to do it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
thats what friends are for
It is tough being a friend sometimes because since young no one really teaches us how to be a friend. Is a friend one who remains supportive throughout any decisions, be it good or bad, right or wrong.. or is a friend one who stands up strong and says "NO! That is just so WRONG!!"? Tell me, in cases like that.. who is the better friend? or rather, who is the friend?
I hate such dilemmas, and i hate putting my friends through such dilemmas too. I guess the hard part is when you know that you will be happier if you were told to follow your heart.. and more often than not, even with or without friend's approval or consent, once you have decided on something, your friends opinions are more of a justification for you. And if friends suggest otherwise, you know that they will end up saying that "it is ultimately your choice". And so, asking your friend's advice is really quite redundant.. and deep down, we all just want our friends to support us, even if we are all aware that it may be the wrong decision.
I've searched for the definition of "friend" and rarely do I see people defining "friend" to be a person who gives good advices or morally right advices to one another. Instead what I see are words such as "support","get along", which again accentuates my point. heh.
So my friends out there, thanks for all your support all these times. Thanks for standing by me although I've made many wrong and bad decisions in my life. Thanks for accepting me for who I really am.. and for telling me "by right I should advise you not to, but just do whatever makes you happy". And seriously. that really makes me happier ..haha. so dear friends, thanks for making me happy!
I hate such dilemmas, and i hate putting my friends through such dilemmas too. I guess the hard part is when you know that you will be happier if you were told to follow your heart.. and more often than not, even with or without friend's approval or consent, once you have decided on something, your friends opinions are more of a justification for you. And if friends suggest otherwise, you know that they will end up saying that "it is ultimately your choice". And so, asking your friend's advice is really quite redundant.. and deep down, we all just want our friends to support us, even if we are all aware that it may be the wrong decision.
I've searched for the definition of "friend" and rarely do I see people defining "friend" to be a person who gives good advices or morally right advices to one another. Instead what I see are words such as "support","get along", which again accentuates my point. heh.
So my friends out there, thanks for all your support all these times. Thanks for standing by me although I've made many wrong and bad decisions in my life. Thanks for accepting me for who I really am.. and for telling me "by right I should advise you not to, but just do whatever makes you happy". And seriously. that really makes me happier ..haha. so dear friends, thanks for making me happy!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
sunshine after the storm...
That night, me and beloved had a good talk. It wasn't the right time, right atmosphere, right place, but we talked. Beloved was insecured, he felt something was wrong, that I was no longer as caring towards him as I used to be.. it was such a roller coaster ride.. from anger to dissapointment to fear to regret.. so much emotions, thoughts and tears in just that few nights..
Yes I admit that if I did not verbally admit that things were not like how it used to be, den all the issues would not have surfaced. But if he did not insisted on me telling him the truth then we would have gone on like as though nothing happened.. and at that point of time, we both thought that it was the better solution. But then, due to his stubborness, he insisted, and yes.. i told him that i cared for him less. Sometimes, the truth really hurts.. and perhaps that is why people tell lies?
But we talked about it... and i did tell him about me wanting life beyond him too. that I wanted to experience things which he had restricted me to do, or rather i choose not to do because i didn't want him to be unhappy.. and i told him that it is not that i wan to experience life without him, but rather another type of life, with him being part of it too... but.. that's not the type of life he wanted... beloved is more rooted to the ground, whereas for me,i feel that i have not enjoyed my life, my youth enough.
So much thoughts and emotions, he felt so insecured and i could sense his sadness, disappointment, fear... that my hurt bled. i didn't want to hurt him.. i didn't want him to know that i was feeling lost for a moment, cause i know that deep down, i will get things settled on my own.. and that i know the sparks would find its way back soon, i know that things will work out for us... but how can i expect him to trust me, or have faith in the relationship when i did admit that i cared less. was our six years of relationship nothing?
but after that talk, the feelings did rekindle. (not tt it dissapeared) but it grew stronger.. it made me stronger, made me wan to give him more than he could ask for.. i wanted to let him know that his trust in me was not misplaced.. that deep down, he means much more to me than anything else.. i know that only time can prove it all, and i hope that he is still keeping his heart open for me to touch it.
Yes I admit that if I did not verbally admit that things were not like how it used to be, den all the issues would not have surfaced. But if he did not insisted on me telling him the truth then we would have gone on like as though nothing happened.. and at that point of time, we both thought that it was the better solution. But then, due to his stubborness, he insisted, and yes.. i told him that i cared for him less. Sometimes, the truth really hurts.. and perhaps that is why people tell lies?
But we talked about it... and i did tell him about me wanting life beyond him too. that I wanted to experience things which he had restricted me to do, or rather i choose not to do because i didn't want him to be unhappy.. and i told him that it is not that i wan to experience life without him, but rather another type of life, with him being part of it too... but.. that's not the type of life he wanted... beloved is more rooted to the ground, whereas for me,i feel that i have not enjoyed my life, my youth enough.
So much thoughts and emotions, he felt so insecured and i could sense his sadness, disappointment, fear... that my hurt bled. i didn't want to hurt him.. i didn't want him to know that i was feeling lost for a moment, cause i know that deep down, i will get things settled on my own.. and that i know the sparks would find its way back soon, i know that things will work out for us... but how can i expect him to trust me, or have faith in the relationship when i did admit that i cared less. was our six years of relationship nothing?
but after that talk, the feelings did rekindle. (not tt it dissapeared) but it grew stronger.. it made me stronger, made me wan to give him more than he could ask for.. i wanted to let him know that his trust in me was not misplaced.. that deep down, he means much more to me than anything else.. i know that only time can prove it all, and i hope that he is still keeping his heart open for me to touch it.
Monday, July 14, 2008
the calling...
Ok, here's the question which has been boggling my mind for the past few weeks. If you had to choose between:
1. The Carefree Life...
- with the freedom to do anything you like - this include endless ladies nights, guilt-free indulgance in pokky land, elimination of 'must remember to clear inbox' mentality, etc etc.
- with the freedom to go anywhere you want - backpacking trip to Vietnam, sunny weekend in Phuket, unlimited days in Melbourne..
- with the freedom to spend time with anyone you want - perhaps some pokky? heh.
- with the absence of obligations, and the commitments, and the responsibilites
- but yet, with the risk that ten years down the road, the sudden realisation that you had led such a meaningless life.
or, consider the next option
2. The Stable Life...
- with the one guy that you love, and who loves you more
- with the guy whom you had constantly picture buildng a home together.. and who agrees to letting you use a room for a walk-in wardrobe
- with a guy who is so genuine and sincere, so reliable, so trustworthy, and who can give you the greatest sense of security you ever need
- with a guy who has the perfect answer to all your questions
- with a guy who is willing to make sacrifices just for you
- with a guy whom you know that you will never meet again, and yet if you choose to leave him now, he may never come back again.
Tbe main dilemma now is not the strugle between my head and my heart... but its a struggle within my heart.. I really don't know what I really want at the end of the day, but often when I look at Beloved, I always think that he is the best gift God has sent me.. ( and so He is taking back other gifts in return, heh ). I don't know if I should choose to enjoy the moment, and give up a beautiful future which I believe we have, or if I should just go back to my simple and contented lifestyle with him. It kills me inside whenever I think about the hurt which I will bring to Beloved if one day I choose to lead my carefree life.. and yet.. I do not want to silently hurt him.. i seriously do not... haiz.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Is the risk worth taking?
Finally! I watched Sex and the City =) Great show, beautiful wardrobe, and yes, much after thought. The show just brings out so much of the common dilemma we face in life today, and it tells so much about the power of love, friendship, expectations, choices bla bla.I must say that I can see a bit of myself in all 4 characters - Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, which could perhaps be why I have so thoughts after the show.
I'll start of with Charlotte, whose life is perfect, to the point whereby she is paranoid that something will go wrong in her life just like everyone else. It just reminded me of how i used to think that if something is too good to be true, then it must be too good to be true. Till now, i still dont know if that's the case, but my friend once told me that I should believe it's true, and be happy and thankful about it. But still, how can we naively accept that things are so close to perfect? Especially when the people around you are going through shit? I still have my doubts man.
Next, I'll go on to Samantha. My Beloved just told me just now that I am like Samantha ever since I came back from my grad trip. And although I did conciously thought about that during the movie, I had to reassure him and said I disagree. Samantha loves her guy, but at the end of the day, she loves herself more. And although she may not be able to find another perfect guy for herself, she took the risk to give up the relationship to be herself, to be happy.
Ok come to think of it, maybe Beloved is true. I am like Samantha. I dunno if it is good or bad.. but when i told my friends about it.. they asked me to slap him. haha. Still, I can totally undersand the dilemma that Samantha was facing.. and I guess I may not be brave enough to follow the path she has chosen. Ultimately, I don't really know which path will actualy make me happier.. and Life is simply too short for any regrets.
I'll start of with Charlotte, whose life is perfect, to the point whereby she is paranoid that something will go wrong in her life just like everyone else. It just reminded me of how i used to think that if something is too good to be true, then it must be too good to be true. Till now, i still dont know if that's the case, but my friend once told me that I should believe it's true, and be happy and thankful about it. But still, how can we naively accept that things are so close to perfect? Especially when the people around you are going through shit? I still have my doubts man.
Next, I'll go on to Samantha. My Beloved just told me just now that I am like Samantha ever since I came back from my grad trip. And although I did conciously thought about that during the movie, I had to reassure him and said I disagree. Samantha loves her guy, but at the end of the day, she loves herself more. And although she may not be able to find another perfect guy for herself, she took the risk to give up the relationship to be herself, to be happy.
Ok come to think of it, maybe Beloved is true. I am like Samantha. I dunno if it is good or bad.. but when i told my friends about it.. they asked me to slap him. haha. Still, I can totally undersand the dilemma that Samantha was facing.. and I guess I may not be brave enough to follow the path she has chosen. Ultimately, I don't really know which path will actualy make me happier.. and Life is simply too short for any regrets.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Life was perfect...
Being jobless and too lazy to start job hunting, I had all the time in the world to pack the ever untidy room of mine. For once, I managed to throw a large bag of not-so-useful and will-never-be-used stuff which I had been keeping for years. Still, I know that if I could bring myself to, I could actually throw at least another 5 bags of stuff which I really won't remember about until the next time I start another spring cleaning. But, it is always difficult to throw away things which did once meant something to me.
Spring cleaning never fails to regenerate things which I had long lost and forgotten, and looking at those things really bring back sweet memories of the past - like my autograph book, the love letters, the countless necklaces and chokers, the keychains, the CDs, and yes, the NEOPRINTS! I have like a gazillion of them lahz!!! But looking at them now really helped me relived the happy times I used to share with my friends, some of whom I have drifted apart from, and some of whom I have grown closer too.
It is amazing how in secondary school we were sooo carefree that we prayed for rain so we could play in the rain, or we would write diaries and exchange with one another, or how we would take neoprints with "we have married" and "call me" frames. But I miss those days.... when homework was minimal.. or at least we could all do it together at Macs or at someone's place, when my friends had to always let me copy their Ting Xie (chinese spelling) cause my chinese reli sucked, when the discipline mistress would come after me and start finding all kinds of fault with me. And of course I miss those courtship days... when guys do crazy stuff, write sweet and corny notes, showered gifts and attention.. yes, so much to reminiscence about my secondary school days....
When I was 15, I thought my life was close to perfect- my dad's business was doing well, i was coping well with school work, i had great friends, boys were after me, and apart from still being short, i had flawless and pimpleless complexion while everyone else had outbreaks then! Perhaps it is because I had such a blessed 'teenagehood' (yes, and childhood too) that I always thought that the world is such a beautiful place, and that Man is generally good... and so I have often remained optimistic and positive in my life, whether or not it is for the better.
It is sad however, that I no longer feel this way.. now i feel that my life is far from perfect..... i dunno if it is the increasing expectations I have of what a happy life is, or is it because I've grown up and have become less naive and have a different perspective in life, or is God just trying to be fair by taking back what He has given me? But come to think of it, what is so imperfect about my life? -my Beloved is great, i have good friends, my family is fine, and i am enjoying my life. Just that I am jobless and no one wants to hire me. =(
Yes, the depressed me is acting up again. And apart from Daddy, no one is supportive of me taking my time to find a job. What's with the rush man???? And what is the point of rushing when no one actually wants to hire me???
Haikz.
Spring cleaning never fails to regenerate things which I had long lost and forgotten, and looking at those things really bring back sweet memories of the past - like my autograph book, the love letters, the countless necklaces and chokers, the keychains, the CDs, and yes, the NEOPRINTS! I have like a gazillion of them lahz!!! But looking at them now really helped me relived the happy times I used to share with my friends, some of whom I have drifted apart from, and some of whom I have grown closer too.
It is amazing how in secondary school we were sooo carefree that we prayed for rain so we could play in the rain, or we would write diaries and exchange with one another, or how we would take neoprints with "we have married" and "call me" frames. But I miss those days.... when homework was minimal.. or at least we could all do it together at Macs or at someone's place, when my friends had to always let me copy their Ting Xie (chinese spelling) cause my chinese reli sucked, when the discipline mistress would come after me and start finding all kinds of fault with me. And of course I miss those courtship days... when guys do crazy stuff, write sweet and corny notes, showered gifts and attention.. yes, so much to reminiscence about my secondary school days....
When I was 15, I thought my life was close to perfect- my dad's business was doing well, i was coping well with school work, i had great friends, boys were after me, and apart from still being short, i had flawless and pimpleless complexion while everyone else had outbreaks then! Perhaps it is because I had such a blessed 'teenagehood' (yes, and childhood too) that I always thought that the world is such a beautiful place, and that Man is generally good... and so I have often remained optimistic and positive in my life, whether or not it is for the better.
It is sad however, that I no longer feel this way.. now i feel that my life is far from perfect..... i dunno if it is the increasing expectations I have of what a happy life is, or is it because I've grown up and have become less naive and have a different perspective in life, or is God just trying to be fair by taking back what He has given me? But come to think of it, what is so imperfect about my life? -my Beloved is great, i have good friends, my family is fine, and i am enjoying my life. Just that I am jobless and no one wants to hire me. =(
Yes, the depressed me is acting up again. And apart from Daddy, no one is supportive of me taking my time to find a job. What's with the rush man???? And what is the point of rushing when no one actually wants to hire me???
Haikz.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A new beginning...
But how do i begin?
Being at a crossroad now, I am in a dilemma as to whether i should be pressured by the society, and the people which society moulds, into rushing to find a job and worrying that I still have no job, or whether I should just take things slowly- take time off to rejuvenate myself, and prepare myself for the next chapter of my life. It is ultimately again back to the battle of choosing to follow your heart or your head.
Sometimes, i feel that life's choices are actually not choices because society forces us to make THAT choice, the one which we would rather not choose. Yes, just blame it on society, and erase 'laziness' and 'undriven' from my dictionary altogether. It is contradicting of how i sometimes wish i do not carve my life the way society forces me to, and yet unconsciously it crawls back in, and i start to realise that it may be innate. And it is horrible when the people around me are not supportive of me taking things slowly, to just enjoy life first, and be happy - at least for the moment.
There are some things I don't understand. Why do people rush to start their career? I can foresee that for the next 20 to 30 years down the road, I will be slogging my ass off in the climb for success. But what is success actually, and why do people blindly rush into the rat race, when at the end of the day, they may not be actually happier? The question in my mind is why rush into something which you know you will be going to do it for the rest of your life? I mean, you have the whole lifetime down the road to work, so why the rush? It is not unless that you LOVE WORK. But, who really sincerely loves working?? I dunno, but the thought of finding a job is bad enough. Life's great on the surface, but it sucks big time when i think of the future. Bleahz.
Actually, what's really pulling me back from job hunting, or even just casually looking at career opportunities is that I will need to give up my freedom. Maybe after enjoying the 25 days of my grad trip with no worries, with no second thoughts about spending and what happens after the trip, I start to feel that life is great that way. That sometimes we should just let our hair down, and simply enjoy the breeze. The grad trip makes me yearn for more trips, and I feel that I need a getaway soon, and I want to go visit my dear friend studying in Melbourne, and I just want to be carefree, and able to travel as and when I want to. I want to simply enjoy my life, and not think of the future.But... how can I? When no one is supportive of me. Even my Beloved says that such a lifestyle is only for the rich - a category which I unfortunately do not fall into. Hai... does it mean that only the rich people have the luxury to enjoy the simplest things in life? That they are the only ones who can choose to follow their heart? Then wouldn't they be the only ones who will lead meaningful lives, and wouldn't they be the only ones happy? It is a vicious cycle. And it is no wonder that people say 'Money makes the world go round' whether directly or indirectly, or that the 'Rich gets richer' in every sense of the word.It becomes depressing the more I think about it.
But oh well, at least for now, I have decided to push job hunting to next week =)
Being at a crossroad now, I am in a dilemma as to whether i should be pressured by the society, and the people which society moulds, into rushing to find a job and worrying that I still have no job, or whether I should just take things slowly- take time off to rejuvenate myself, and prepare myself for the next chapter of my life. It is ultimately again back to the battle of choosing to follow your heart or your head.
Sometimes, i feel that life's choices are actually not choices because society forces us to make THAT choice, the one which we would rather not choose. Yes, just blame it on society, and erase 'laziness' and 'undriven' from my dictionary altogether. It is contradicting of how i sometimes wish i do not carve my life the way society forces me to, and yet unconsciously it crawls back in, and i start to realise that it may be innate. And it is horrible when the people around me are not supportive of me taking things slowly, to just enjoy life first, and be happy - at least for the moment.
There are some things I don't understand. Why do people rush to start their career? I can foresee that for the next 20 to 30 years down the road, I will be slogging my ass off in the climb for success. But what is success actually, and why do people blindly rush into the rat race, when at the end of the day, they may not be actually happier? The question in my mind is why rush into something which you know you will be going to do it for the rest of your life? I mean, you have the whole lifetime down the road to work, so why the rush? It is not unless that you LOVE WORK. But, who really sincerely loves working?? I dunno, but the thought of finding a job is bad enough. Life's great on the surface, but it sucks big time when i think of the future. Bleahz.
Actually, what's really pulling me back from job hunting, or even just casually looking at career opportunities is that I will need to give up my freedom. Maybe after enjoying the 25 days of my grad trip with no worries, with no second thoughts about spending and what happens after the trip, I start to feel that life is great that way. That sometimes we should just let our hair down, and simply enjoy the breeze. The grad trip makes me yearn for more trips, and I feel that I need a getaway soon, and I want to go visit my dear friend studying in Melbourne, and I just want to be carefree, and able to travel as and when I want to. I want to simply enjoy my life, and not think of the future.But... how can I? When no one is supportive of me. Even my Beloved says that such a lifestyle is only for the rich - a category which I unfortunately do not fall into. Hai... does it mean that only the rich people have the luxury to enjoy the simplest things in life? That they are the only ones who can choose to follow their heart? Then wouldn't they be the only ones who will lead meaningful lives, and wouldn't they be the only ones happy? It is a vicious cycle. And it is no wonder that people say 'Money makes the world go round' whether directly or indirectly, or that the 'Rich gets richer' in every sense of the word.It becomes depressing the more I think about it.
But oh well, at least for now, I have decided to push job hunting to next week =)
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