sunshine after the storm...

That night, me and beloved had a good talk. It wasn't the right time, right atmosphere, right place, but we talked. Beloved was insecured, he felt something was wrong, that I was no longer as caring towards him as I used to be.. it was such a roller coaster ride.. from anger to dissapointment to fear to regret.. so much emotions, thoughts and tears in just that few nights..

Yes I admit that if I did not verbally admit that things were not like how it used to be, den all the issues would not have surfaced. But if he did not insisted on me telling him the truth then we would have gone on like as though nothing happened.. and at that point of time, we both thought that it was the better solution. But then, due to his stubborness, he insisted, and yes.. i told him that i cared for him less. Sometimes, the truth really hurts.. and perhaps that is why people tell lies?

But we talked about it... and i did tell him about me wanting life beyond him too. that I wanted to experience things which he had restricted me to do, or rather i choose not to do because i didn't want him to be unhappy.. and i told him that it is not that i wan to experience life without him, but rather another type of life, with him being part of it too... but.. that's not the type of life he wanted... beloved is more rooted to the ground, whereas for me,i feel that i have not enjoyed my life, my youth enough.

So much thoughts and emotions, he felt so insecured and i could sense his sadness, disappointment, fear... that my hurt bled. i didn't want to hurt him.. i didn't want him to know that i was feeling lost for a moment, cause i know that deep down, i will get things settled on my own.. and that i know the sparks would find its way back soon, i know that things will work out for us... but how can i expect him to trust me, or have faith in the relationship when i did admit that i cared less. was our six years of relationship nothing?

but after that talk, the feelings did rekindle. (not tt it dissapeared) but it grew stronger.. it made me stronger, made me wan to give him more than he could ask for.. i wanted to let him know that his trust in me was not misplaced.. that deep down, he means much more to me than anything else.. i know that only time can prove it all, and i hope that he is still keeping his heart open for me to touch it.