Being jobless and too lazy to start job hunting, I had all the time in the world to pack the ever untidy room of mine. For once, I managed to throw a large bag of not-so-useful and will-never-be-used stuff which I had been keeping for years. Still, I know that if I could bring myself to, I could actually throw at least another 5 bags of stuff which I really won't remember about until the next time I start another spring cleaning. But, it is always difficult to throw away things which did once meant something to me.
Spring cleaning never fails to regenerate things which I had long lost and forgotten, and looking at those things really bring back sweet memories of the past - like my autograph book, the love letters, the countless necklaces and chokers, the keychains, the CDs, and yes, the NEOPRINTS! I have like a gazillion of them lahz!!! But looking at them now really helped me relived the happy times I used to share with my friends, some of whom I have drifted apart from, and some of whom I have grown closer too.
It is amazing how in secondary school we were sooo carefree that we prayed for rain so we could play in the rain, or we would write diaries and exchange with one another, or how we would take neoprints with "we have married" and "call me" frames. But I miss those days.... when homework was minimal.. or at least we could all do it together at Macs or at someone's place, when my friends had to always let me copy their Ting Xie (chinese spelling) cause my chinese reli sucked, when the discipline mistress would come after me and start finding all kinds of fault with me. And of course I miss those courtship days... when guys do crazy stuff, write sweet and corny notes, showered gifts and attention.. yes, so much to reminiscence about my secondary school days....
When I was 15, I thought my life was close to perfect- my dad's business was doing well, i was coping well with school work, i had great friends, boys were after me, and apart from still being short, i had flawless and pimpleless complexion while everyone else had outbreaks then! Perhaps it is because I had such a blessed 'teenagehood' (yes, and childhood too) that I always thought that the world is such a beautiful place, and that Man is generally good... and so I have often remained optimistic and positive in my life, whether or not it is for the better.
It is sad however, that I no longer feel this way.. now i feel that my life is far from perfect..... i dunno if it is the increasing expectations I have of what a happy life is, or is it because I've grown up and have become less naive and have a different perspective in life, or is God just trying to be fair by taking back what He has given me? But come to think of it, what is so imperfect about my life? -my Beloved is great, i have good friends, my family is fine, and i am enjoying my life. Just that I am jobless and no one wants to hire me. =(
Yes, the depressed me is acting up again. And apart from Daddy, no one is supportive of me taking my time to find a job. What's with the rush man???? And what is the point of rushing when no one actually wants to hire me???
Haikz.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A new beginning...
But how do i begin?
Being at a crossroad now, I am in a dilemma as to whether i should be pressured by the society, and the people which society moulds, into rushing to find a job and worrying that I still have no job, or whether I should just take things slowly- take time off to rejuvenate myself, and prepare myself for the next chapter of my life. It is ultimately again back to the battle of choosing to follow your heart or your head.
Sometimes, i feel that life's choices are actually not choices because society forces us to make THAT choice, the one which we would rather not choose. Yes, just blame it on society, and erase 'laziness' and 'undriven' from my dictionary altogether. It is contradicting of how i sometimes wish i do not carve my life the way society forces me to, and yet unconsciously it crawls back in, and i start to realise that it may be innate. And it is horrible when the people around me are not supportive of me taking things slowly, to just enjoy life first, and be happy - at least for the moment.
There are some things I don't understand. Why do people rush to start their career? I can foresee that for the next 20 to 30 years down the road, I will be slogging my ass off in the climb for success. But what is success actually, and why do people blindly rush into the rat race, when at the end of the day, they may not be actually happier? The question in my mind is why rush into something which you know you will be going to do it for the rest of your life? I mean, you have the whole lifetime down the road to work, so why the rush? It is not unless that you LOVE WORK. But, who really sincerely loves working?? I dunno, but the thought of finding a job is bad enough. Life's great on the surface, but it sucks big time when i think of the future. Bleahz.
Actually, what's really pulling me back from job hunting, or even just casually looking at career opportunities is that I will need to give up my freedom. Maybe after enjoying the 25 days of my grad trip with no worries, with no second thoughts about spending and what happens after the trip, I start to feel that life is great that way. That sometimes we should just let our hair down, and simply enjoy the breeze. The grad trip makes me yearn for more trips, and I feel that I need a getaway soon, and I want to go visit my dear friend studying in Melbourne, and I just want to be carefree, and able to travel as and when I want to. I want to simply enjoy my life, and not think of the future.But... how can I? When no one is supportive of me. Even my Beloved says that such a lifestyle is only for the rich - a category which I unfortunately do not fall into. Hai... does it mean that only the rich people have the luxury to enjoy the simplest things in life? That they are the only ones who can choose to follow their heart? Then wouldn't they be the only ones who will lead meaningful lives, and wouldn't they be the only ones happy? It is a vicious cycle. And it is no wonder that people say 'Money makes the world go round' whether directly or indirectly, or that the 'Rich gets richer' in every sense of the word.It becomes depressing the more I think about it.
But oh well, at least for now, I have decided to push job hunting to next week =)
Being at a crossroad now, I am in a dilemma as to whether i should be pressured by the society, and the people which society moulds, into rushing to find a job and worrying that I still have no job, or whether I should just take things slowly- take time off to rejuvenate myself, and prepare myself for the next chapter of my life. It is ultimately again back to the battle of choosing to follow your heart or your head.
Sometimes, i feel that life's choices are actually not choices because society forces us to make THAT choice, the one which we would rather not choose. Yes, just blame it on society, and erase 'laziness' and 'undriven' from my dictionary altogether. It is contradicting of how i sometimes wish i do not carve my life the way society forces me to, and yet unconsciously it crawls back in, and i start to realise that it may be innate. And it is horrible when the people around me are not supportive of me taking things slowly, to just enjoy life first, and be happy - at least for the moment.
There are some things I don't understand. Why do people rush to start their career? I can foresee that for the next 20 to 30 years down the road, I will be slogging my ass off in the climb for success. But what is success actually, and why do people blindly rush into the rat race, when at the end of the day, they may not be actually happier? The question in my mind is why rush into something which you know you will be going to do it for the rest of your life? I mean, you have the whole lifetime down the road to work, so why the rush? It is not unless that you LOVE WORK. But, who really sincerely loves working?? I dunno, but the thought of finding a job is bad enough. Life's great on the surface, but it sucks big time when i think of the future. Bleahz.
Actually, what's really pulling me back from job hunting, or even just casually looking at career opportunities is that I will need to give up my freedom. Maybe after enjoying the 25 days of my grad trip with no worries, with no second thoughts about spending and what happens after the trip, I start to feel that life is great that way. That sometimes we should just let our hair down, and simply enjoy the breeze. The grad trip makes me yearn for more trips, and I feel that I need a getaway soon, and I want to go visit my dear friend studying in Melbourne, and I just want to be carefree, and able to travel as and when I want to. I want to simply enjoy my life, and not think of the future.But... how can I? When no one is supportive of me. Even my Beloved says that such a lifestyle is only for the rich - a category which I unfortunately do not fall into. Hai... does it mean that only the rich people have the luxury to enjoy the simplest things in life? That they are the only ones who can choose to follow their heart? Then wouldn't they be the only ones who will lead meaningful lives, and wouldn't they be the only ones happy? It is a vicious cycle. And it is no wonder that people say 'Money makes the world go round' whether directly or indirectly, or that the 'Rich gets richer' in every sense of the word.It becomes depressing the more I think about it.
But oh well, at least for now, I have decided to push job hunting to next week =)
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