the calling...

Ok, here's the question which has been boggling my mind for the past few weeks. If you had to choose between:

1. The Carefree Life...

• with the freedom to do anything you like - this include endless ladies nights, guilt-free indulgance in pokky land, elimination of 'must remember to clear inbox' mentality, etc etc.
• with the freedom to go anywhere you want - backpacking trip to Vietnam, sunny weekend in Phuket, unlimited days in Melbourne..
• with the freedom to spend time with anyone you want - perhaps some pokky? heh.
• with the absence of obligations, and the commitments, and the responsibilites
• but yet, with the risk that ten years down the road, the sudden realisation that you had led such a meaningless life.

or, consider the next option

2. The Stable Life...

• with the one guy that you love, and who loves you more
• with the guy whom you had constantly picture buildng a home together.. and who agrees to letting you use a room for a walk-in wardrobe
• with a guy who is so genuine and sincere, so reliable, so trustworthy, and who can give you the greatest sense of security you ever need
• with a guy who has the perfect answer to all your questions
• with a guy who is willing to make sacrifices just for you
• with a guy whom you know that you will never meet again, and yet if you choose to leave him now, he may never come back again.

Tbe main dilemma now is not the strugle between my head and my heart... but its a struggle within my heart.. I really don't know what I really want at the end of the day, but often when I look at Beloved, I always think that he is the best gift God has sent me.. ( and so He is taking back other gifts in return, heh ). I don't know if I should choose to enjoy the moment, and give up a beautiful future which I believe we have, or if I should just go back to my simple and contented lifestyle with him. It kills me inside whenever I think about the hurt which I will bring to Beloved if one day I choose to lead my carefree life.. and yet.. I do not want to silently hurt him.. i seriously do not... haiz.

Is the risk worth taking?

Finally! I watched Sex and the City =) Great show, beautiful wardrobe, and yes, much after thought. The show just brings out so much of the common dilemma we face in life today, and it tells so much about the power of love, friendship, expectations, choices bla bla.I must say that I can see a bit of myself in all 4 characters - Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, which could perhaps be why I have so thoughts after the show.

I'll start of with Charlotte, whose life is perfect, to the point whereby she is paranoid that something will go wrong in her life just like everyone else. It just reminded me of how i used to think that if something is too good to be true, then it must be too good to be true. Till now, i still dont know if that's the case, but my friend once told me that I should believe it's true, and be happy and thankful about it. But still, how can we naively accept that things are so close to perfect? Especially when the people around you are going through shit? I still have my doubts man.

Next, I'll go on to Samantha. My Beloved just told me just now that I am like Samantha ever since I came back from my grad trip. And although I did conciously thought about that during the movie, I had to reassure him and said I disagree. Samantha loves her guy, but at the end of the day, she loves herself more. And although she may not be able to find another perfect guy for herself, she took the risk to give up the relationship to be herself, to be happy.

Ok come to think of it, maybe Beloved is true. I am like Samantha. I dunno if it is good or bad.. but when i told my friends about it.. they asked me to slap him. haha. Still, I can totally undersand the dilemma that Samantha was facing.. and I guess I may not be brave enough to follow the path she has chosen. Ultimately, I don't really know which path will actualy make me happier.. and Life is simply too short for any regrets.