Ignorance. and bliss.

Ignorance is indeed bliss.. it is smth i had always believed, lived by and even up till now still strongly hold true for me. however, there might be some misconceptions about ignorance which i need to clear up, to myself because sometimes i get confused myself.

Ignorance is only bliss when u are totally ignorant- not half ignorant, not a quarter, or not even a drop/pinch/tinge/whatever it is quantified as. Because when u are not totally ignorant, it means that u become aware of soemthing which jut means to say that if u want to be blissful, u need to feign ignorance, which is very much equivalent to self-deceit. And much as many may wan to be blissful and hence ignorant, they cannot do so- self deceit is not such a feat. trust me. it is at the other extreme of brushing off a lie as a white lie, although they are all deception.

great. halfway to the truth or knowing the whole truth really doesnt make much difference. the truth hurts, in whichever way u try to look at things. it reli hurts.

LOVE

When people ask me now if i still love him, my answer would simply be i know longer know whats love.. yet maybe love is him. because all these while my definitions of love changed so often and i know that it was because i love him.

I'm trying to recall what i used to define love in the past.. and i know that my memory is failing me, but i will give it a shot:

1) Love is just a feeling. When you love someone, there is no reason, no explanations.

2) Love is giving/ sacrificing without feeling that you are comprimising. You give up something you want willingly. Yes, there are the quarrels but at the end of the day, despite not having a sound reason, u give up things, and yet you are still happy.

3) Love is selfish. When you want to possess the person, when u didn't want to share it with others, when u wanted the whole of the other.

4) Love is generous. When you would spurlge on flowers for her even though you are broke.

5) Love is when you spend so much time together, and still have endless things to talk about. And you still miss the other even though he's just next to you.

6) Love is when u suddenly realise that you cannot live without the other. When you want to spend the rest of ur life with the other.

7) Love is about finding all the good things in the person. It is abou praising about him to your friends, and in your heart you know that you have found the perfect man and that you are envious of no other relationship.

8) Love is when you just want to surprise and do sweet things for the other. Just to see that smile on his face.

9) Love is when u get so angry at times and yet it hurts that you are quarreling.

10) Love is when you want the moment to stop, just stand still when things seemed so perfect.

11) Love is when having him is more than enough.

12) Love is when you watch him sleep, stroke his hair, and think to yourself that he's so beautiful, and what would u do without him.

13) Love is when you rather die before the other because u cannot imagine life with him.

14) Love is when you see something different on the way to school and you tell him about it. When you just unconsciously tells him everything that is going on in your life.

15) Love is when you just wan to be close to the person always. Holding hands on the streets, hugs and kisses along the way, and u wan to make out when opportunity arises.

16) Love is when you love what the other loves. And slowly you see that the two of you are becoming similar.. in the way we react, we see things, we do things.

17) Love is when you can look at each other without saying a thing and you know what each other is thinking. Or when you can have the comfortable silence and be connected in some special way.

18) Love is never about letting go. To love is when you want to keep trying and never giving up.

19) This is the saddest but true. Love is hate. It is the saddest when you only know that you still love the person because you hate him.

20) And perhaps this is last. Love is when you no longer know what love is and yet you still want to hang on.

I guess there is really no definition of love. That perhaps it is just another emotion, or perhaps it is a person. That maybe he is love. and that my definition changes the way things changes between us.

the truth..

TRUTH.



why do people always seek the truth when the truth actually hurts? when sometimes, the truth doesnt reli matter, when sometimes we know we can't accept the truth, when most of the time the truth really hurts.



all along, i used to think ignorance is bliss. even till now i feel the same. you may call it self- denial, but will knowing the truth make things better? will knowing the truth change anything that has happened? white lies are called white lies for a reason, and despite the fact that no one wants to be cheated and then be told it is a white lie, it is inexcusable sometimes that we ourselves bury ourselves in white lies, and off-handly gives a thousand and one reasons why we told the white lie.



yes, i am guilty of it. of the fact that i sometimes tell a white lie, and yet when someone does it to me, i simply cannot accept it. call it having double standards, but life was never fair to begin with.

heck. i just wish that the inner voyeur in me will disappear soon. den maybe i can be happier.

shopaholic..

I'm a self declared extreme shopaholic!

That day at the FJ Benjamin sale, I spent like $700++ dollars.. better not know the exact value man.. i reli dun dare to count.. bought like so many watches and bags and clutches.. i dun even know whether i will use all of them.. haha.. and even after all the Guess bags i bought, I just splurged and pampered myself with a Kate Spade bag! It is jus a reward for myself for finding a job! haha.. not like i reli deserved it.. but still.... i did promise myself tt i would get one once i've found a job!

i guess retail therapy does work.. at least for me. i feel happier.. satisfied, and happy. yes, happy is the word. so am i happier these days because i have the spending power to buy more stuff? the fact that this shopping addiction of mine will only get worse when i start working. bleah.. but who can resist pretty shoes and nice bags? i wouldn't want to know how. haha. i just love to indulge myself in these little pleasures in life =)

well anyway, things are going on fine for me. I guess i am really happier lately. dunno if is it because of beloved, of is it new found direction in my life, or is it jus me feeding to my shopping craves.. but who cares, as long as i am happy rite? hee.

hugs.

still lost....

jus when i thought that i've gotten things sorted out, i realised again that i am actaully again still quite lost.. i dun reli know wad i really wan, dun reali know what are my priorities in life now, dun realli know what realli matters in my life. i dunno... i jus dunno... dunno what i should do, or how i should feel.. dun reli know wad i should do wif my life!!!

give me some directions man.. lead my heart the way it should be heading. don't jus tell me what i should do, tell me how i should do it... and convince me why i should do it. make me wan to do it.

thats what friends are for

It is tough being a friend sometimes because since young no one really teaches us how to be a friend. Is a friend one who remains supportive throughout any decisions, be it good or bad, right or wrong.. or is a friend one who stands up strong and says "NO! That is just so WRONG!!"? Tell me, in cases like that.. who is the better friend? or rather, who is the friend?

I hate such dilemmas, and i hate putting my friends through such dilemmas too. I guess the hard part is when you know that you will be happier if you were told to follow your heart.. and more often than not, even with or without friend's approval or consent, once you have decided on something, your friends opinions are more of a justification for you. And if friends suggest otherwise, you know that they will end up saying that "it is ultimately your choice". And so, asking your friend's advice is really quite redundant.. and deep down, we all just want our friends to support us, even if we are all aware that it may be the wrong decision.

I've searched for the definition of "friend" and rarely do I see people defining "friend" to be a person who gives good advices or morally right advices to one another. Instead what I see are words such as "support","get along", which again accentuates my point. heh.

So my friends out there, thanks for all your support all these times. Thanks for standing by me although I've made many wrong and bad decisions in my life. Thanks for accepting me for who I really am.. and for telling me "by right I should advise you not to, but just do whatever makes you happy". And seriously. that really makes me happier ..haha. so dear friends, thanks for making me happy!

sunshine after the storm...

That night, me and beloved had a good talk. It wasn't the right time, right atmosphere, right place, but we talked. Beloved was insecured, he felt something was wrong, that I was no longer as caring towards him as I used to be.. it was such a roller coaster ride.. from anger to dissapointment to fear to regret.. so much emotions, thoughts and tears in just that few nights..

Yes I admit that if I did not verbally admit that things were not like how it used to be, den all the issues would not have surfaced. But if he did not insisted on me telling him the truth then we would have gone on like as though nothing happened.. and at that point of time, we both thought that it was the better solution. But then, due to his stubborness, he insisted, and yes.. i told him that i cared for him less. Sometimes, the truth really hurts.. and perhaps that is why people tell lies?

But we talked about it... and i did tell him about me wanting life beyond him too. that I wanted to experience things which he had restricted me to do, or rather i choose not to do because i didn't want him to be unhappy.. and i told him that it is not that i wan to experience life without him, but rather another type of life, with him being part of it too... but.. that's not the type of life he wanted... beloved is more rooted to the ground, whereas for me,i feel that i have not enjoyed my life, my youth enough.

So much thoughts and emotions, he felt so insecured and i could sense his sadness, disappointment, fear... that my hurt bled. i didn't want to hurt him.. i didn't want him to know that i was feeling lost for a moment, cause i know that deep down, i will get things settled on my own.. and that i know the sparks would find its way back soon, i know that things will work out for us... but how can i expect him to trust me, or have faith in the relationship when i did admit that i cared less. was our six years of relationship nothing?

but after that talk, the feelings did rekindle. (not tt it dissapeared) but it grew stronger.. it made me stronger, made me wan to give him more than he could ask for.. i wanted to let him know that his trust in me was not misplaced.. that deep down, he means much more to me than anything else.. i know that only time can prove it all, and i hope that he is still keeping his heart open for me to touch it.